Cigaddict

on my way home today, every step is so tiring and heavy. what does it even matter if i finally get home? time is just for other people, so i can put up a smile and say its ok. theres no difference between me getting home at nine or at ten, or at one, or at six. 

went to school today. first to have lunch with sheng. what we talked about is a fog almost. i went there after school, after my little quiz and class. then i met up with matt. saw him and tony sitting in front of SF, sitting on the curve, where we three use to sit and talk bullshit. cant remember the things we use to say but i remember the joy and laughs. cant remember the jokes but remember the feelings of understanding. it was pretty cold today, in the evening at least. none of us wore enough clothes. when i said goodbye to matt after dinner, i wanted to say to him: do you remember the times when me you and tony, we three best friends, after a "hard" day at school, we had to shiver our way to our cars? i didnt say it to him, of course, but i know he remembers, and i know its not the thing to say. 

on my way back, saw a girl named Jana. she used to be in my class. saw her at the bus stop. she recognized me too, but i guess she dont know what to say since we never really talked but only worked on a group project before. so I said, hey long time no see. yea, she said. just came back from school? she is trying to be nice and reply. I came from U of T but thats not my school, I said. her face shivered a bit and tried to put up with a struggling smile. I smiled and turned around to put my headphone back on, the bus is here, no need to make her life harder to try to be nice and talk back. 

there is some places i no longer belong. there is some people i no longer belong. some were closest to my heart. someone something and myself is a sharp eraser, erases the pencil traces on my paper. and that paper is blank. 

Just got a text from a friend. We use to spend a lot of time together in first year. He told me its his birthday tomorrow. His last birth day was like yesterday. I remember I just came back to Canada. Just started work. 

The images in my head seem so old, so faded. But it just felt like yesterday. Emotion never tend to last long, like the last shivers of a flame. 

Funny how time pass. Distorted times. 

its been nice. The weather hasnt been nice and i have no car. But I still walk. I walk for at least an hour everyday. I walk to places to places around the place I live. Lots of things to see, such adventures. 

There is definitely a difference between college and university. People are different. They come from different places with different purposes. The environment relaxes me. Yet it is still distant to me. Such young girls, 18 years old, 20 years old, with familiar looks and laughs. So distant from me. 

A lot more shallows, and a lot more matures. 

I like all my teachers. I can recognize the bits and pieces of emotions left from what they been through. Of course at a point they stop growing and became who they are today, they are college teachers after all. I am very glad about being in where I am. I feel lucky that I meet the most wonderful people from time to time.  

Been making friends. Hard to find topics. The silences are on both sides. Conversation that sits on thin ice. The noise coming out of our mouths can be fast forwarding tapes, the ones with sharp awkward ends. 

Been a bit lazy these days. Tired from all the moving adjusting and introducing, and bad food. Oh well, it has been a good time. 

Explosion, the force to drive and carry our world. 

Why do we feel beautiful and ugly, happy and sad? 

Explosions of sadness drive us, explosions of joy carry us. 

Achieved extreme comfort this morning again. Air is cool, sun is bright, a cool summer day with a breeze. This is what I do. I love this. 

Stop thinking about the outside and surroundings, about other people, about other "stuff". Think about what we fear and what we desire. Go back to the basics. We have the same fear and we have the same desire. Simple as that. No matter what the road is or what the future is like, we cannot change that. Yes, cannot. When we look around, not a single two people's lives are the same. Everyone have a story to tell. 

When I was working at the furniture store. Singles come in, couples come in, families come in. When you talk to them, when you talk to them about furniture, the things in their homes. Thats when you can tell how they are living. The disengagements and the engagements, the excitements and boredoms, they are such moments that capture happiness and contentedness. They make you understand, make you see through their cloths,  their bags and shoes, their beds, their house and their cars. They give you an peak-hole to their lives. Sometimes they scream as I see through, sometimes they smile while occasionally burst out laughters, and sometimes its just a field of silence. 

What do we want to be? Which one of them? How do we really want to live our lives?

I want a life, where fireworks are in every bite of food I take, excitements that comes from the inside. Be me, be us. Let he be him, let she be her, let they be them. Us and them. What we cannot feel? What we cannot have? What we cannot live for? Nothing. It is a choice that we make. A choice different to all others, because we have to chose by who I am, who you are, who we are. 

Last week at work, as I walked outside to smoke a cigarette, right after I turn around, I saw a dead bird laying at the corner of the building. At first I thought it was a rock or some garbage.  But I found out its a bird. Ants are having a feast on that bird, on its funeral. My heart shivered. Then this wave of numbness passed through my body. What shocked me was not the cruelty, it was death. It was the absolute meaningless. It was the absolute indifference. 

Everyone in this world is not equal because their wealth, status, happiness, sadness, strength, intelligence. Its because we live at the same time. Every second that just passed in everyone's life happened at the exact same time and such an action that took away exactly one second. We are on the same line, moving forward. No one can move faster, no one can move back a single step. How good we are is simply measured by how good we are using what we have. Thats how we measure ourselves, thats how we look back to our whole life before our death. The only honest question that we cannot escape. And that question have nothing to do with any she or him or that or this. 

How do you want to answer that? The question that only relates to you. That have nothing to do with what you have, only relates to what you did. 

I want to live my heart out with a smile. Thats the only thing I will do. 

Happy birthday. 

you know when I came to this website today. what I love about it? Cuz I can type in the old username and password. Had to register a lot of things lately. I actually needed to create a file to store all my new passwords. I like this. The touch that those keys give to my finger everytime I type on them. Its almost like love. But no its just a sense of favorism. Like a girls and boys, just a matter of favorism sometimes. 

Read a lot in the store while I was owrking today. Brought a mid novel magazine. Pretty good read actually. 捆绑上天堂. Not a big fan of his naming, but its not bad. What he had is a view that attracted me. A view of being able to live alone. Calmly alone from this crazy world. And amazing life came to his way. Its like a price for him and them. A reward from god to comfort them the pain they are enduring all their life. He didnt talk much about his life. But you know from his view. A view, how important is that. 

You know why I love being high. I have thought about this topic a lot but I have never collectively write about it. I have been thinking about it for a couple of days now. I want to write it. 

This is what I do. I walk out, drive, drive to a empty parking lot, with trees around and sky and cloud to look at.  Take out a zigzag, my weed, grinder, and some hard paper as filter. Grind the weed, make the filter, pour the weed on the zigzag, spread it, put the filter on, roll it, lick the end side of the paper, stick it. Lick the joint to wet it for slower and smoother burn. Lit it. Roll down all windows. Smoke it. Then take a breath. Then amazing music comes out from my car. I listen to it while smoking a cigarette.  This process, creates a view for me. My vision elevates. The nature and the things around us are so amazing. A sense of love would come to my heart. A sense of complete and pure emotion come to my heart that brings out the feeling of absolute joy. 

Its about the things I can do. Things and scenes can become paintings in my heart. Like I can see it right in my brain. If I have a pen and paper I can draw it right there. Its beautiful. Thats when I decided to learn how to draw and paint. I want to draw that, then paint it. Whats beautiful about it its that all the things I draw are what they are in our eyes. But I can paint it differently. Like Alice in the Wonderlands, our old fairytale. Its still one of the most amazing things since I was a child. That Alice saw the people in Wonderland paint their roses red. What a fantasy. What a view. What a mind. 

About the things I say. I talk a lot when Im high. I always just slip extra words out of my mouth. I talk completely retarded. But the words that I can use when I do serious talks when Im high, are just so much better. So much more emotion into it and yet so much more accurate. Its when your feelings are right. And you like that fact. 

These things, they mean a great deal to me. It shaped me a bit. Weed I mean. Since I could see things in different ways. 

Had to pause to wash the dishes. Now cant write anymore. Ill write more later. 

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me, me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me, me

What a curious life we have found here tonight
There is music that sounds from the street
There are lights in the clouds
Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees, trees

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
Now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round' the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

A lot of things happened and I havent wrote.

Got lost, got back on track. 

Its not that I have nothing to write or to express. Its almost like I was afraid to put words down, about success and failure. But when i was not afraid, I felt almost useless to put words down, about feelings and desires. 

The way to express has been changed. The thoughts are too eternal, way too inside to be write it out. I feel my thoughts are like rare fruits. Rare fruits that got their skin peeled off. Like when scar tissue got peeled off. Just too fresh too soft. We need to wait for the skin to get hard. Need the flesh to be hard like the core inside. There is time i need to go through, and the heat, and the dry air. Like a prison, I have to get to the day when I walk out of there. 

Always wondered what life could be at another place, at another time. Its a secret pleasure that drag me back. But wouldnt it be too realistic or mature or whatever you want to call it, that life could be the same? Or extremely similar? Wouldnt then the colors to be colorless? 

I imagine a space or a world where all the people in my life put on a costume, a costume that is made out of social status, social expectations and social relationships. And we put it over our head and cover our faces. Under-covered, we play and laugh like how we use to enjoy. Take the most enjoyable moment in our lives and stretch it. 

Each of us would be like a blank piece of white paper, with the edges that we trimmed and cut and fixed. Then we allow the world to write on us. Allow them to write until the page is full. At last, we staple the pages together, to make a book. Wouldnt that be nice? Pages are not together because they are stapled together. They are because they rely on each other to exist and make some meaning out of the mess of ink. 

I guess the actual reason I didnt write its because there is no conclusion. I need conclusions out of everything, let alone the purest thing I adore. The conclusion I care cant be written out, it has to be lived. I have to live to write. Living comes first. 

Because, by The Beatles.

Because the world is round it turns me on
Because the world is round...aaaaaahhhhhh

Because the wind is high it blows my mind
Because the wind is high......aaaaaaaahhhh

Love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you


Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry
Because the sky is blue.......aaaaaaaahhhh

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh....

Solitude like in prison.

Never really liked my picture taken. Well, the pictures that need you to smile really. Its about freezing a smile for 2 seconds, sometimes even longer, so someone else can look at it. Its not a matter of right or wrong even. The driving force behind the millions of pictures and frozen smiles is a force of habit to appear positive and happy. When people ask you: are you alright? You say: yes. I dont remember the last time I said no. I dont remember the last time being answered with a no. 

We say everything is gonna be okay. What else can we say? We have been brought up by this "okay steam". Like in a sauna, your body just sweat automatically. There is no room for strong will.

We are raised in a cruel way. There are only heroes and happy endings in bedtimes stories. We worship those two. The remaining 90% of the cast remain forgotten over the years and lives. The story tellers assumed that there is no education needed to become the 90%. What a lie. The 90% have been hearing 10% stories all their life. They have been receiving the 10% educations all their life. 

I always had a theory on the normal marriage. All men, look at the hottest girl in sight. When they get together, they talk about how girls look. They always throw in their views on different parts and their personal choices. They use the hot girls to masturbate, and use the not so pretty ones to self-masturbate. They adore the beauty and despise the ugly. But what if he cannot get the beauty and had to stuck with a ugly who he was calling names when he was young? Imagine, during his marriage, he come to realize two facts. First, he is who he would hate when he was young. Second, the person that is sleeping right next to him is someone he used to laugh at. I want to know how does he feel. I want to know how does he "make it alright", so when people ask him how is he, he can at least say he is "alright". 

Its irony really. The stories of heroes are to compare to our weather reports. And the stories of the ordinaries are the only intriguing but dusted mysteries for us to discover. 

I want something beyond. Just beyond. 

Fate undetermined again. Like being kidnapped by yourself to a stop sign, and you wonder which way you will be taken. 

Fear, of course. Fear is a coward. It always gets to you in the beginning. But you always beat it later. I feared that life to come would turn out to be hopeless. The past life to be useless. But I fight with it. Its in our blood to fight fear and pain. Its in our blood to forget and remember. Theres nothing else in fear than to be forgotten. Theres nothing else to pain than to be remembered.

We always fear to be abandoned by others. So we fight to be held by others. This is the number one rule. 

I believe we have to live through the departures of people and shelters in life. And we have to see through the fights we put up with them. Beyond all the sweat in your eyes and smoke in front of you, its the desire or need to survive standing there waiting for you. Thats the basic instinct of all creatures on earth and we are no exception. 

Before I thought all my life, the memories, the experiences, are burdens to my future. But they might not be. Life consists of infinite possibilities. Everything, everyone is only forever fixed when you gaze into their eyes and souls in the moments. 

People and things are going to come and be gone. We have to accept them and focus ourselves to grab on to the only steel string in our hearts. And that is to keep on moving. There is always another way out. And there always has been. 

I started reading Chinese literature again. Beautiful. The words, the pictures, the thoughts and emotions. 

The questions and the thinking, all in all, are just for you to trust yourself. 

I am going to start writing. My life is to be written out in words. And my words will shout to the world. 

Today is herb day. 

4.20. 

Smoked all I had. 

Did pretty good on differential. BAM!

lawls, still dont know how to do the first question. good thing I skipped it. 

differential is gonna be hard. really hard. at least for me. is it true when people say its never too late?

fuck, if i fail this again im gonna kill my differential proffessor first.

So what happened yesterday.

I woke up 6 in the morning getting ready to school for the exam at 9:30. Before I left, saw there was a series of earth quake in China again, its pretty bad. Went to school. Burned my finger and jacket by my cigarrete. Sat in the computer lab, studying and re-checking exam locations.

9:25, went to the exam room. Found out no one there was in my class. Found out its not my exam. "I am such a retard" I thought. Ran downstairs, found a computer, checked the location again. Location is right, what the fuck is going on? Then I looked at my cellphone. April 14th. My exam was on April 13th.

To make things worse, its what comes after I realized I missed the exam.

Firstly, if I get zero, that means a instant fail for that course. That means a instant below 60% average on my double probation, that means a instant kick out from school. I wont be able to come back.

Secondly, if Tuesday is April 13th, that means Wednesday, which is yesterday is April 14th. I have another exam on April 14th. At 2 in the afternoon, which is 4 hours away. Its a exam thatI didnt study for and getting 60% going into the exam. All my exams are 50% of my mark.

I ran to the proffessor's office and talked to him right away. He told me to file a petition and my exam mark has to be determined by the exam commitee. They might give me an accessed mark. That is to look at my midterm and class average, then give me a mark based on my class's final exam average. He said if I have never filed a petition before would help me a lot in terms of getting the marks.

Left his office, called matthew to drive here to give me my book so I can study for my exam at 2. Went to a private washroom, locked the door. And I was just so angry and so sad. We should really invent some word for that kind of emotion. Its like I was going to explode.

During all that time. I kept thinking. This is my fault. This is my fault. What else in life that I complained so much about is not my fault? I complain and I never did anything to stop it. I overlooked so many things. I overlooked so many people. I overlooked so many people and things that happened to me. I am losing my ability to try harder and become better by sitting around doing nothing but complain.

So many things in my life just suddenly become so meaningless to me. All those things I kept thinking, all the music I was listening to, all the movies I watched, all the "briliant" critics I have for the people and  for the world. They mean fuck all. That angry and sad feeling is real. That was the only real thing in the world. The relationship between me and my mom. The relationship between me and Jess. The relationship between me and myself. Why didnt I do anything to improve my relationships within my own family. Why didnt I help out more in the house. Why did I need to debate what goes on between me and Jess so much. Why did I need to doubt the direction that I was determined to go.

I am a real fuck up am I not? So many advise that other people said to me were right. I just cant bring myself to fix them. My dad told me, Im gonna get fucked up big time if I dont become more careful and patient. Jess told me too. I jump to conclusion too fast sometimes. I cant win with this kind of mentality. And I have to win. I have to get out. I have to stand on my feet. I need to carry not the world, but my own weight, my love ones' weight on my shoulder. Thats the only real thing I need to do in my life right now. Nothing else. Nothing else should concern me or bother me or stop me. There is nothing more that I really want. But I couldnt see it. A line from American Beauty:"I felt like I have been in a comma for 10 years, and I have just now waking up." Its context that the line was told was very different from what happened to me. But thats the feeling I got. Everything around me just seem like fresh onions, with one of their skins freshly peeled off. The clarity of reality and the cruelty of my nightmare collided and calmed me down a little. Just before matthew came.

I met up with matthew, got my book, then started studying. I tried almost all I could do. Learned all I could learn. I did ok in the exam. Not great, but ok. On the edge of failing, but shouldnt fail.

After the exam I was finaly calm. And exhausted, of course.

I am going to fix myself. And yesterday was a new day for the rest of my life.

1. Think things from different points of view. I am ususally wrong. So check myself by thinking in other people's shoes.

2. I have bad memory. Use a fucking notebook. Write shit down, like what I am doing now.

3. Emotion control and anger management. Dont do whatever I want to do. Just dont do them. They are usually bad for me.

4. Look at the good side of people. Dont be so negative about others. Really talk to them and get to know them. If they are against my principles, ok watch out. If they are ok, just annoying and stupid, keep in touch. If they are brilliant, think before I talk and dont act stupid. If they are just like me, they are my friend, be friendly. Its just that simple. No need to feel angry about stupidity, especially after yesterday.

5. There is only one thing that I really want. Keep that in mind and take it into consideration for all my decisions. Never forget that.

6. "Know what you want. Know what you need. Know what you can do without." -Revolutionary Road.

I was going to delete everything I worte. Because those writing dont mean anything to me anymore, I dont need to read them again. The important things I wrote have already been read. The useless things is just useless. You want me to keep them so I will. But this, this is what I am going to stand on from now on. I start from here.

Really examine and look at myself in the mirror.

Exam tomorrow. Not sure why I am feeling pretty chill and doing nothing. 

Guess its a easy course. 

Rubber Soul is something you have to listen to before you die. 

Nowhere man. Its like angel singing. 

He's a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man,the world is at your command!

(lead guitar)

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?

Nowhere Man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all till somebody else
lends you a hand!

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man please listen,
you don't know what you're missing
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command!

He's a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody!

The Beatles playlist:

They pretended as a band called "Sgt.Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band", and made an album called "Sgt.Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band". One of my favorite albums. 

So fucking crazy.

"Sgt.Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band" lyrics:

It was twenty years ago today,
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play
They've been going in and out of style
But they're guaranteed to raise a smile
So may I introduce to you
The act you've known for all these years
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
We're Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
We hope you will enjoy the show
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Sit back and let the evening go
Sgt. Pepper's lonely, Sgt. Pepper's lonely
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
It's wonderful to be here
It's certainly a thrill
You're such a lovely audience
We'd like to take you home with us
We'd love to take you home
I don't really want to stop the show
But I thought that you might like to know
That the singer's going to sing a song
And he wants you all to sing along
So let me introduce to you
The one and only Billy Shears
And Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Billy Shears

Me? or the World? 

One image keep showing up in my head: I breath out a big cone of fire out of my mouth and just pushes everything away and that feel so good. 

Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old 
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles 
Can you feel me?
Hey you, dont help them to bury the light
Don't give in without a fight.

Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone 
Would you touch me?
Hey you, with you ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out 
Would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high, 
As you can see.
No matter how he tried, 
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
always doing what you're told, 
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall, 
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.

Welcome to my brain. well, more like my heart then brain. 

Dear Miss Choi/Miss Alexander,

I was deeply intrigued and excited when i first read about this opportunity via e-mail. After attending the seminar last Friday, I felt comfirmed and confidant. This internship is what I have been looking for in the long time. I have always wanted to do something exciting, potentialous and challenging when I am still young and have nothing in my pocket. A fixed life with fixed emotions just bores me, even bothers me. Everytime I worked in a new country, or even a new city, I was always deeply touched by local culture, people and enviroment. I believe in the beauty of the scenes where people adapt to the enviroment and just keep getting stronger.

Besides the fact that I would love to work for SMIDOS, I think I am a good candidate for the position. First of all, I love working with people. I often find so much wisdom and lessons when I work with others and have conversations with them. This is a world full of stories, we just have to walk over and open them. Secondly, I can adapt to the environment in SMIDOS very fast to work efficiently. I grew up and a rough neighbour hood in China. My grandperants were farmers, I lived in my hometown for quiet some time. From my past experiences, I know what to expect in Kasumi, Ghana. I have handled them pretty well before, I can do it again. In addition, I grew up in a city thats is just as hot as Ghana. So I would not have a problem with the heat. Last but not least, I have more will power to excell in this job than anyone else. I

gonna finish is tonight

chinese new year today, dont feel like having it at all. cant the the love from the ones i want. whats the point. 

fuck the world. dont fucking need shit from you.

I mean what is this? Talking to myself, touching myself, comforting myself, laughing with myself. This is only lonely or a lot more than that?

So many questions. What am I doing, what do I want to do, what should i do. Three basic questions about life ain't they? From these three there come three no more serious but more depressing questions: What am i not doing, what i dont want to do, what shouldnt do. I know the answer to the last 3. But it's hard sitting here to admit the answer to the first 3. 

I need something, bigger stronger to keep me going. Guidance? Discipline? Habit? Environment? People? Friendship? Parentship? Not trying to write emotional here, but love?

Is interaction the key to everything? To knowledge? To power? To ego? To warmth? To brilliance? It'll be sad if it is. I got none. Not none. But not enough. I simply need support for what I'm doing, to to expand it, the 6 questions written above. I'm relying too much on myself lately who is a not dependable individual. My bones seem like 21 year-old wood sticks. Fitting uncomfortably together; make noise when I move, and they are cracking, ready to collapse any minute.

I have always loved entertainments. They make me today and taught me more than anything else in the world besides my personal experiences. Should I pursue it? Right now from all i can see its the way out. But everyone think twice. I thought a lot more than twice. Maybe its just an excuse. Im just lazy and irresponsible and immature. But I really enjoy writing tho. They have lives, the words. Like a single person or a single case in a phenomenon. 

What is they use of thinking "outside of the box" stuff anyway. I knew it. Still remember the countless mornings when I take off my headphones as I finally sit down in the middle of lectures after enjoying my own world for an hour in the morning; the cough that follows they first word i spit out after not making a sound for hours.

So jealous about others, without knowing their lives. Isnt that shallow and confused? Everything only look perfectly good when we dont know too much about it. Thats what has been said and wel established. In a more personal level: Everything only look perfectly good when we dont know much about what we want and who we are. Well, "what we are" to be exact.

Me and Jess. How undetermined. The wrong changes of mind. The wrong timings. Are they really wrong or tis just the wrongness of the world. The world we build between us. Plus they chaotic world around us. Not to mention they double or even multi-sided world within each of us. Everything so undetermined. Leave us confused, blinded, leads us to the broken hearts. The misfits in events and emotions, creating gaps, separating two worlds floating in the empty space. " Two lost souls in a fishbowl" Even when we collide and grip each other all the way to the hearts of each other, theres still, always, a side of us being apart, uncontrollably wondering in the blinding colors. Lets just use hell one more time. Wouldnt the burning of souls get rid of unnecessary flesh and forms of two human beings and eventually combine them into one? Is it the moment all the mortal creations, emotions, defections just been exploded out of our bodies and we fall into a soft thick blank white bed sheet that extends infinitely? Arent they the ones what we seek? To fill in our hearts? Beyond material, beyond greediness, beyond word.

Too sad to think good, hurts too much. Honey on a wound wont cure it, only attracts demons to aid your self-destruction. Salt, as painful as it is, is what brings the tears of pain and joy.

wrote a lot today, cheered up my mood.

3 full pages, might type them up later. 

should keep doing this, letting things out on paper.

so angry and so tired, so guilty and so disappointed.

i really dont know what to do. what should i think? i mean, should i think that im so guilty, i did something wrong, i beg for her forgiveness, buy some presents, make her happy? no, we both know thats not the way to do it, we both dont care about it in this way.

what else can i do? be cool, lets forget about it, our love have more power than this, we've been through so much this is nothing, we are good, one funny line or text msg is gonna cheer us up and just forget about this or pretend this never happened.

none of the above happened, except the first line. thats what happened. cant distinguish those 4 emotions, cant break them apart, such a mixture that leave me nothing to do, nothing to think, nothing to act. 

I have lost my faith. at least now. same for her. the damage is permanent. maybe. maybe im just over reacting. fuck man. fuck.

baby im back.