Cigaddict

get high to hide.

i really want to party.

is this just life? or some kind of play.

dont really know what im feeling, guess im just being lazy.

im lonely. well, still have my smoke tho.

maybe i should start a blog like Julie's.

So hard to do what you want to do. Never easy huh.

Hope i can get that job, need money.

Even I am still watching movies by myself, its alright. happy couples are always there, groups of young shy girls are always there. good for them.

I cant take jess out of my mind lately. how can i just dont think about a person that i care so much if she still loves me. im not sure if she knows how she feels, if this is just some random feeling she had over the summer after the break ups. i really cant say which do i prefer. its so fucking hard to make any decision when you care too much about something, especially after knowing you hurt them before, and you might hurt them once again. I really shouldnt have called the driver to pick me up that night, the eyes that she looked at me with when we need to say goodbye is something ill will never forget. fuck me. i mean i can just be an asshole, just be like whatever, its just another girl, so what. but i felt extremely bad even when i just typed those words out. how can i possiblely do it? i cant.

aw man, i dont want her to wait, i dont want her to have hopes, just move on in your life, ill come get you when im ready. i am not ready right now, neither of us are. my heart broke when i heard you said you gotta take pills to stop the pain and the sadness. you shouldnt need them. not you, plz, not you.

i didnt even smoke weed when i was standing in front of it. dont even want it. i cant and i dont want to lose my clarity. im seeing things clearer than before now, and im at a turning point of my life(i hope), i dont want anything different, anything, to happen. 6 years, its not gonna be easy. im trying to burn this on my brain these days, gimme strength.

i love you its not because you are smart, beautiful and how perfect you are, its because with you, i dont feel lonely anymore. from the movie 'time traveler's wife'.

I made a 6 year promise. To myself, to others, especially to jess.

Going back to canada soon. gonna see tony and matt again, miss them.

Think i dont give a fuck about a lot of stuff now, just dont even care about the words and the temptation. even the harms. just like by myself, play game, play life, ha. pretty sad and lonely tho.

well wonder whats going to happen in the coming unforeseenable life. 

life is a journey by myself.

lost soul. the only two words that came to my head.

upset? depressed? disappointed? bored? 

i really shouldnt enjoy this.

dont feel like fucking anyone anymore today. dont really give a fuck about irrelavent people anymore.

long time since the last time i wrote something or even being here.

really dont know how to summarize everything. a lot happened, but not significant. little tiny things and emotions just happened like when you brush through disordered hair. what happens to the finger or the comb afterwards is what happened to me. didnt leave a mark, but left a feeling. so basically nothing but not feeling right to admit.

mandy is almost back, miss her. i have been having the illusion or fantasy that she would understand me. but cant even think about what to talk to her when she comes back and we sit facing each other at dinner.

tomorrow is the monday of my last week of work. feeling kind of exciting and kind of disappointed, also feeling kind of tired. what am i waiting for seems like a question that i always have. that should be one of my problems or one the representations/symptoms of my problem. i have always said let life go on and it will sort itself out, but i failed, many times, which cant happen again.

starting to really want a quiet and unlonely life. so pale but so bright, so plain but so pure. 

when i was back in sauga, the life is simply way too boring and hopeless to think of anything, but here back in hometown, im too busy and too blinded to think of anything. still, a busier life is better for me. 

i wonder who and what are the people around me are gonna turn into.  when they grow older i mean. whats gonna happen to them. how are the people in a world gonna affect one another. i want to be an observer. to observe people, to observe their everything. cuz there are just way too many things that we doubt about other people, i want to know whats really happening.

no one really reads this, and i cant believe i wrote so many in this blog, this is my longest one. maybe its just the green in the interface that would calm me down.

maybe i should really quit wow, its a game that im seeing not much hope in it. slowly im getting tired of it. especially these days. 

still a lot to come for the time im in china, still a lot of stories can happen during my time staying here. we will see what happens. and im feeling lonely, again.

the words related to fucktard are the only words i can think of in my head. im pissed. im fucking pissed.

My guess is right and my hope is wrong. Why would anyone care about a pile of shits that  made up.

New work place, not sure whats gonna happen yet, hopeit has less shits then the last one.

haha, last summer i was burned by the jobs too. Same as this year, funny. Maybe theres someone behind all these and its a conspiracy.

Its my birthday today. Really wanted some happy birthday from some people but didnt get it. Guess this is how it is, everyone's busy.

Guess what, got some bitch to fuck soon. Gonna fuck her next time i see her. lol, never lack bitches in my life.

Ako's birthday as well, feels good to know someone thats has the same birthday as you.Feels warm.

i dont fucking belong here. I feel sick. Sick of talking to fucked up people and talk fucked up shits with fucked up people. 

Maybe im just too imature. Cant deal with the environment im in. easily get drifted by the outside world. yea, im pretty easy.

So tired, have a headache. its like i never breathe any fresh air since i came back. so jammed, so hot, so suffocating. when can i have that piece of mind.

travel is always an option. but travel seems like running away now. where else can i go after i travel the world. to the fucking moon maybe.

Someone's been reading this?

leave a word or send me a msg plz, in desperate need for a soulmate.

Gonna get busy soon, even without this job. People coming from all the places, like trains rushing into my face. I have to get through them one by one. They are people I love, yes. But I just feel so tiring by just thingking about the schedule. One right next to another. Can I even read one book this summer? questionable. Ahrd to talk to people in china and deal with them for some reason. My root is here but has already been unrooted. I do not belong to this place. But where do I belong? Not canada for sure. Where am I gonna be is not determined by me I realized. Maybe I am jsut too money-driven, power-driven, self-driven. Maybe I should rely more on others, the relationships between me and others. Haven't the examples around me proven I am wrong about that? About relying on one another? There are things cant be solved and can be solved, what the fuck do I need to care about the things cant be solved? Just enjoy the things that can be. Well, when it comes to the end of the day, I still cant do it. Guess Im stucked and gotta suffer before I get out of it. Shits you gotta do and go through. 

我很饿，很累，很沮丧，心很不平静。不平静的生活，不平静的人，不平静的我。

要做什么，想做什么，该做什么，不经过反复思考，考验，验证是得不出结论的。

闷得出水的天气终于下了场雨。中午去吃饭时好好的淋了一场，并不是痛快地感觉，更是绵绵的清凉。雨水落在落叶上的啪嗒声和雨水从下水道落下的啰啰声非常悦耳，记得原来总还有虫鸣与蛙叫，但现在在这个工业区是可遇而不可求的。

今天突然醒悟到雨滴原来是大大小小的往下掉的，真有个性。

So, i wasnt the guy that she hated, good, I wasnt that wrong.

Feeling a lot of things are about to begin, good, I aint that dead.

Quite shocking to find out about what Ako wrote on the blog. So I was a real pain in the ass. Well not hard enough to match the way she wrote it. Piece of shit is more proper in this case. Shocking. Thought I was that annoying and such a shit, but apperantly I was. I guess it can be classified as unspeakable past. I understand its me, but disappointment in her still exists. I thought we were friends, but apperantly we are not.

i miss cali, even though a lot of bullshit happened. Stupid shit, useless shit, awkward shit, all three. Quite an experience tho, better than nothing.

About the office.

Retards always exist. This is one of the ultimate truth in this world. And most retards are mostly not totally retarded. And that is one of the ultimate truth in this world too. These two ultimate truth combined together and there we get a tipical office. 

Funny people, funny way of talking and trying to get what they want with words in epic fail stealth mode. They should really make some show about this phenomenon. Biggest and also the most annoying entertainments of a day. Maybe some one should paint it, about their double+ eyes, their lip's shapes when they stop to think when talking, their hands rising from their face to comb their hair, and their cute pinky redish shy faces.

I still cant sit down and read. What am I waiting? Someone? Something? Some shits to happen to me? Maybe all.

I miss the days in LA. Although some were unpleasant, but colourful and moving.

Lots of experience since i left Canada. Feeling jammed and hollow.

I miss WoW, a lot a lot, very very much. This is pure torture.

Life is a journey full of surprises.

Kind of funny sometimes.

One more to go, then im freee, from semester, from all those.

Ugh, headache, like a metel ball in my head thats about to fall out. Doesnt feel good at all.

Wonder what shits are gonna turn out like.

Morning is the night with light and sunshine.

Storm has came, power is out. In the library with the borrowed labtop. I miss my sexy keyboard and computer.

Really havnt been thinking much these days, got like nothing to think sort of. Just living, having a horrible feeling about this. I felt i should do something about it. but lazy i think, wheneveer think of something I thought fuck it. Mindless creature, such a mindless life.

Whats wrong? Maybe i shouldnt have stopped trying. Maybe ill feel less empty if i try. Will I? Or just another form of defeat?

Cali and China is waiting, suddenly feeling weird about it. Yeah, I fell that I will get lucky, I will pull it off again, Im fine, no one is criticizing me cuz i got a reason, ha reason or excuse. Feeling so weak, maybe i really need a girlfriend, like my mom said.

Everything is about to scream. I am about to scream. Scream out, my heart is too hot and too cold, cant stand a minute with the running blood inside. If loser is the conclusion to everything this world would be such a lovely playground.

This world is a burning montain, or life is a burning montain, it hurts but you still have to hang on. Hang on is the phrase of life.

Fuck i miss WoW, I miss my laptop, guess thats why im going insane. That better be the reason why.

Ready and hope for a new beginning.

Shits ending shits happening.

Major change is gonna come. Am I ready? or Am I jsut waiting for any change? Anything is better than now huh? Stop fighting is not hard at all. Keep on doing is the hardest part. But there are just so many excuses. Game, nba, life, can i live the life i want/need after i fail? 

Asking too many questions, I know all the answers, I jsut dont have the courage to face it. I want to start again but I cant, I really cant face the words. I guess I care about what other people say about me after all. Especially families. Other people I really dont give a shit. Just to the people that you have to explain to. I cant explain. Not the same type of people at all. Is their way the right way? Did i make the righr choice? Did I really made up my mind? 

Fuck man. This is bullshit that I have to go through. Its been build up way too much for me to take. I really need a break. Mom said its my problem. True, how come other people dont have such problems? I guess what has to go down has to go down hanging here is not the solution. I jsut felt that this has to happen. But at the same time, I feel so relieved and happy. Free of duty now huh? This is not right tho. Like mom said, this shit is my fucking responsibility. Like a contract that you didnt read, it just became your duty one day, and it became something thats "of course!'

Pretty bullshit. Pretty depressing. I want to watch a movie. 

Or maybe, wow is fucking me up? I love that game. Amazing moments and memories of people of myself. Achievements, lucky times, unlucky times, shameful times, cheerish times. Ha, just a game yes, but full of joy and tear. Is it that fake after all? Can I escape or its just not the right time. I guess its not the right time. Im really jelous of the people that is in the right time. Everything is about timing isnt it? Different shits happened at the wrong times and made me today. This shity ass situation. 

Life has a lot of bullshit in it. And I have to take it. 

I guess the conclusion that i dont want to make till the end is that the shit has to come down. Take a dive in the deep and the world will quiet down. I am afraid that I hope. 

Days go by and everything is gonna end.

The end is the new beginning.